For lesbians who identify as butch, dealing with societal expectations of classical femininity can be challenging. Tabitha Benjamin — aka Tabs — is a year-old musician who proudly identifies as a butch dyke. She runs a club night for other lesbians, trans and non-binary people, and has an EP called 'Love like This' coming out September 27 which deals with themes of family rejection, the struggle to be herself and the violence she has faced. For Tabs, being a butch lesbian is a huge part of her identity. That is so powerful, to take that feeling of hate and being 'incorrect' and turn it into something amazing. Tabs moved to London from Berkshire for university when she was Considering coming out , she saw the hostility faced by those who were open about their sexuality and decided against it, until one night in a pub when she told a friend on her course. At 21, Tabs told her parents that she was a lesbian.
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To be honest, I dated her with the intention of experimentation. I was intrigued by the butch-femme dynamic that seemed to be so steeped in lesbianism and wanted to see what it would be like. Looking back, I realize how shallow and selfish I was to use her in satisfying my own curiosity, but the universe got me back when I ended up falling hard for a woman who had never so much as used concealer to cover a zit. I had no choice but to broaden my perspective in order to see things through her eyes. My intention is to provide you with things to consider when choosing to date a butch woman; things that you might not have considered before. All guidelines go out the window if you are not in a safe and equitable relationship. These rules are only to be followed if you have a mutual trust and respect.
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Nestled between the extremes of the hard, rough-and-tumble stud and the sultry, heel-wearing, lipstick-loving feminine lesbian is the soft stud, a unique hybrid community that I happen to identify with. Soft studs often embrace their womanhood before their masculinity. Since there are studs on the other side of this that take a mellow, less obvious approach to living their lives, the dating and love habits of the women who seek them need to accommodate them as well. How, you ask? Soft studs can take control, be protective, be sexually aggressive and strong while still maintaining their femininity and gentleness. This is another way to emasculate your lady AND make her associate expressing her feelings with weakness. Rule to live by: We are NOT all touch-me-nots.
Take it from someone who loves masculine women very, very much: There is no one way to be butch. Butch women come in many different forms, and they express themselves so many different ways. Some rock bowties. Others rock gold chains. Nonetheless, there are countless women out there who still identify as butch, masculine, stud, AG, or any of the other wonderful identities that make up the masculine-of-center end of the spectrum.